


You By Me

by strawberrymarss



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: 3 A.M. Talks, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, And So is Seonghwa, But Hongjoong is Scared, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Existential Crisis, Hugging, M/M, Nervous Whipped Gay!Seonghwa, Questions About Life, Smoking, Stargazing, cigarette use, figuring out feelings, hongjoong is trying his best, lowkey self-projecting, they're both in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:28:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24036640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberrymarss/pseuds/strawberrymarss
Summary: There are times when Hongjoong gets submerged in darkness brought upon by his own mind, and he struggles to stay afloat as he faces changes in his life. Seonghwa is the only constant in his life, with his patient smile and gentle hands.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong & Park Seonghwa, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 10
Kudos: 95





	You By Me

**Author's Note:**

> more self-projecting? from me? impossible

Hongjoong gazes solemnly at the view from the balcony he stands at. The city lights shine, brightening the night alive, but Hongjoong cannot find it in him to spark his own flame. He feels weighed down, but he shouldn't be. There are weights anchoring him down, but he cannot see them, and he thinks… they are imaginary, perhaps. 

A sigh escapes him as he shifts his gaze to the cigarette between his fingers, rolling it. He hears the distant noise of the city, a highway away, or at least he imagines he hears it. A motorcycle sounds in the distance, a midnight rider lone on an unknown quest. At least he is moving and feels the wind, unlike Hongjoong.

Hongjoong feels nothing. 

"Hongjoong." That familiar baritone voice calls just as Hongjoong puts the cigarette between his lips again. 

Hongjoong inhales, then exhales a warm puff of smoke into the cold air. It's like he is breathing life into the dead night. Hongjoong doesn't feel any better because he knows he isn't. The night is dead as ever, the air is as cold as ever, biting at his exposed arms unforgivingly. He feels Seonghwa stand beside him, and he can feel the elder's piercing gaze on him. The blanket he feels drape over his shoulders both makes his heart heavy and also soar to the sky. But he doesn’t dare to tug it closer. 

"Hongjoong." Seonghwa tries again, and Hongjoong keeps his eyes away. 

He flits his gaze up to the night sky, the stars are faraway lights he wishes to reach, thousands of light years away, so impossible to reach,  _ perhaps, his dreams are, too? _

Hongjoong lifts the cigarette up to his lips again, but a hand encases his and takes the cigarette away gently, and he hears Seonghwa snuff the cigarette out in the ashtray. He isn't a heathen to smoke without an ashtray. It's enough he already makes a mess on a daily basis burdening Seonghwa, he shouldn't make Seonghwa clean up after him during his moods too. 

"What is it tonight?" Seonghwa asks, and Hongjoong's eyes drop to his fingers again, now empty and rid of cigarettes. He experimentally closes his hand into a fist, once, twice, feeling the way it is a bit lighter without the burning cigarette. He could try to get used to it.

"Dunno," Hongjoong mutters. Seonghwa prefers it if Hongjoong talks, even if Hongjoong says he doesn't know. He would let Hongjoong stay silent if he knows Hongjoong can't or wouldn't, but he would try to pry if the situation allows, and Hongjoong doesn't feel like letting him down any further. 

"Sad about something?" Seonghwa asks again, still gentle. 

Hongjoong hums as he thinks, eyes searching the distant stars for answers. They blink at him in response, but Hongjoong isn't fluent in their language to understand what they mean. Then, he shakes his head. Seonghwa hums in response. 

"Did a groupmate piss you off?" 

Hongjoong shakes his head immediately this time. 

"Saw something upsetting on social media?" Seonghwa tries again. It's nice how if this was the case, Seonghwa wouldn't shame him for it. Hongjoong is thankful for that. The last thing he would need in this situation is someone belittling his feelings. 

Hongjoong bows his head a little as he thinks, going over his day. He had gone on autopilot for most of it, mind in a haze brought on usually by the void in his chest, so Hongjoong has to think harder to notice if he saw anything which upset him. His mind wanders to the story of another engine rumbling in the distance,  _ who is the rider and where is he heading?,  _ but he snaps back to searching for an answer because Seonghwa is waiting. 

Seonghwa is always waiting for him. When Hongjoong stumbles and has to regain his footing, Seonghwa is there. When Hongjoong has to shut himself away from the world to catch his breath, Seonghwa is always waiting on the other side of the door ready to accept him. When Hongjoong's mind wanders during a conversation, Seonghwa is there gently tapping his arm to get him back, but nevertheless, he still patiently waits for Hongjoong to return. And when Hongjoong is trying to navigate his difficult feelings, Seonghwa is there, beside him, waiting for Hongjoong to open up and ask for help, which he rarely does. 

And Seonghwa is still waiting, too, for that answer which may change their relationship forever, which might cause them to lose each other, or have a stronger bond, but Hongjoong tries to distract himself from that topic. He is new to that, he told Seonghwa so, and Seonghwa assured him he can wait. 

Of course, he can. No one else has patience like his. Hongjoong envies it, because even he can’t be patient with himself. Not when his mind gets muddled without warning, not when his brain suddenly turns him into a blank slate and mutes the swirling emotions, confusing him, not when his mind suddenly pulls him down into the depths of his thoughts which he would rather not ever return to, not when his moods change too fast even he can’t keep up sometimes. Hongjoong can’t do anything when that happens, he either lets himself feel it all or drown in the dread. Usually, he feels it and then he drowns.

Seonghwa is still waiting, he makes it known by adjusting the blanket and tugging it closer to Hongjoong’s body for him. Hongjoong feels a shiver run down his spine when Seonghwa’s cold fingers ghost over his skin, but he shakes it off as an effect from the cold. He is aware that his feelings may run deeper than that of friends, but he is afraid. He doesn’t want to tell Seonghwa he loves Seonghwa, only to disappoint him in the future. He wouldn’t ever forgive himself if he is the reason there is hurt on Seonghwa’s face, wounds on Seonghwa’s heart. He doesn’t want to do that, he doesn’t want to promise Seonghwa something he might fail to give, he doesn’t want to do that to Seonghwa or himself. 

Hongjoong sighs heavily, bowing his head further down, his forehead against his arms resting on the coarse banister, hiding his face. Seonghwa shifts closer, and Hongjoong resolutely doesn’t look up. Despite his cold hands, Seonghwa always has warmth emitting from him, and Hongjoong can feel it even through the blanket. 

_ How much warmer would it be if he was in Seonghwa’s arms? _

“I want to cry,” Hongjoong mutters, “but I can’t cry.” Hongjoong furrows his eyebrows as he tries to coax his tears to fall and give him release.

Seonghwa hums attentively.

“I want to let it out, but I can’t,” Hongjoong lets out a dry laugh, “my brain hates me so much.”

“It’s okay,” Seonghwa says softly, “it takes time.”

“It’s always like this. It’s so tiring,” Hongjoong complains, as he moves his arms and bangs his forehead onto the coarse banister. He tries to do it again, but Seonghwa’s palm is then against his forehead, pushing his head back. 

“You need some rest, Joong-ah,” Seonghwa utters, gentle. He straightens Hongjoong and helps wrap the blanket around Hongjoong’s frame tighter. 

“I don’t want to,” Hongjoong roots his feet onto the cold tiles, “I don’t want to. I won’t be able to sleep in this state. I’ll overthink again.” He stomps his foot onto the ground as he pulls the blanket closer to him, giving up on restraining himself from not doing so.

He knows he’s acting like a child, but he’s tired of being an adult and all the responsibilities which come with it. He hates that life is so burdensome, he hates that he just can’t seem to function properly on the daily like how society wants and  _ needs  _ him to. He hates that he’d get into moods like this and they get harder to deal with as he grows older because the world is unforgiving, he hates that he’d probably never make it big, he hates that he’d probably just be mediocre and forgettable, he hates that the faces in the crowd are always fucking grey when he walks amongst them, he hates that he feels like an outcast, he hates the very thought that he exists sometimes, and he hates that the world is probably going to fucking end soon but humans are still fighting with each other and doing fucked up shit. 

And he is so tired of how his brain spirals out of control. 

“I’ll overthink it, and I hate that,” Hongjoong complains, “I hate it. I hate the way the world is, I hate that I’ll probably never make it, I hate everything! Why can’t I just disappear? Why was I chosen to live? Why do I have to go through this? Every single time, I can’t find an answer to any of these questions I have for the universe. I’m tired, Seonghwa, I’m  _ tired _ of it all!” Hongjoong desperately shouts, as he falls into a squat, and buries his face in his knees. “I don’t know why I’m here… And I don’t think I should be here.”

“Hongjoong,” Seonghwa kneels down in front of him, and Hongjoong feels a hand pet his hair, “there are things we can’t control. We all want to change the world, but we can’t do that so easily on a large scale.”

Hongjoong grips tight on the blanket. 

“But if we treat someone kindly, we can make their day better. It could be a day which will change their world forever. We could compliment someone, and we could give someone we love something nice, and it could change their world. We can’t change the wide world easily, but we can change little individual worlds,” Seonghwa says. 

The hand keeps petting his hair and Hongjoong feels oddly calm. 

“And I can’t give you the answers either, Hongjoong,” Seonghwa says, and regret is in his voice, “but I can tell you that you aren’t here for nothing. There’s a reason you’re here, everyone has a reason they are here.”

“But why do I not know it?” Hongjoong whispers the question as he brings his face up from his knees slowly, and he sees Seonghwa with a gentle smile on his face.

“You aren’t supposed to know it from the start,” Seonghwa replies, “you’ll figure it out and decide for yourself as you go.”

“But everyone else has found it…”

Seonghwa lets out a small chuckle, and looks up to the stars. Hongjoong follows his lead as he shifts to lean against the sliding door. Seonghwa stretches out his legs,  _ Hongjoong remembers he told him he can’t cross his legs well,  _ and Hongjoong sits next to him cross-legged as they gaze at the stars.

“Have they really?” Seonghwa asks back. “How do you know that?”

It isn’t patronizing. A reflection. 

“Well… everyone just looks like they have their shit together,” Hongjoong replies,  _ unlike me _ , he wants to add. “So…”

“It’s common to feel that way, like everyone else is moving at a good pace and like they have found exactly what path they want to go onto, while you are still struggling to even put a foot in front of the other,” Seonghwa assures, “but you shouldn’t focus on others. It is their pace, not yours. You don’t have to follow them. You are leading your own life, Hongjoong.”

“But…” Hongjoong tries to protest, but he finds himself tongue-tied as he stares at Seonghwa’s side profile, as he observes the slope of Seonghwa’s nose, sees the way his eyes reflect the moonlight. 

“And it’s common to question yourself again once you’ve found a path and gone on it,” Seonghwa continues, “but all this crisis, it is necessary for your growth, and you will come out of it with a clearer mind and goal. And gradually, you will find your reason for being here, you will find your calling.”

Hongjoong listens. Usually, he is the one who questions and talks about things like this and Seonghwa listens, but this time… this time, he listens while Seonghwa talks. He observes the way Seonghwa’s smile is melancholic, he listens intently to the tone of Seonghwa’s voice, he tries to see the emotions swimming in Seonghwa’s eyes and figure them out. Seonghwa turns to look at him, and Hongjoong knows he’s staring, but he doesn’t have it in him to pull his eyes away from the man in front of him. He studies Seonghwa’s face, quiet as Seonghwa opens his mouth to speak again.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Seonghwa amusedly asks.

“Seonghwa, be honest with me.”

Seonghwa tilts his head in question.

“Would you do all this if you didn’t…”

_ If you didn’t love me. _

“I would,” Seonghwa smiles, “I’m not talking to you like this because I have romantic interest in you. I’m talking to you as a friend, as your companion.”

Hongjoong remembers when he and Seonghwa claimed each other as lifelong confidants. Junior high, and he is glad the promise is still unbroken until now. God knows what he would do without Seonghwa in his life.

“As my confidant?” Hongjoong blurts out, and Seonghwa nods. 

“As your confidant too, if you’ll have me.”

Hongjoong feels his heart beat a little faster. 

“I’m sorry,” Hongjoong starts, “I’m sorry I still haven’t figured out an answer.”

Seonghwa chuckles lightly again, “that’s fine by me, Hongjoong. It’s a heavy topic. I’m glad you’re taking it seriously.”

“But doesn’t it hurt?” Hongjoong asks, “doesn’t it hurt to stand there, not knowing whether or not your feelings are accepted?”

Seonghwa falls silent for a moment, his eyes boring into Hongjoong’s.

“It does,” he says after a moment of contemplating, “but I know we need time for things like this. Everyone needs time for things like this.”

“I’m sorry I’m hurting you like this,” Hongjoong utters, and Seonghwa turns away to stare at the sky again. Hongjoong doesn’t miss the way his eyes are a little glassy. “You don’t have to say it’s okay.”

Seonghwa chuckles softly, “it does hurt, Hongjoong, but I’m coping. And if anything, I just want to stay by you, however you’ll have me, however long you’ll have me.”

“You shouldn’t revolve your world around me,” Hongjoong points out, and Seonghwa nods.

“Yeah, but it’ll be better to have you in it. Way,  _ way  _ better,” Seonghwa confesses. It is casual, but there’s… so much to those words.

Hongjoong brings his gaze to the tiles.

“I still need time, Seonghwa,” Hongjoong whispers, and he doesn’t dare look up to see the devastation he caused. He heard the way Seonghwa’s sigh is heavy when he uttered those words.

“I’m waiting for you,” Seonghwa replies, “I’m not going anywhere, Hongjoong.”

“I want you by me too,” Hongjoong lets the words roll off his tongue. It’s probably 3 a.m. by now. “I just don’t know how I want you by my side.”

“That’s up for you to decide,” Seonghwa soothes, “I already told you how I want you by me, but I know there is a possibility you don’t want me the same way, and it’s okay if that is the answer, Hongjoong. Don’t feel guilty about that, you can’t force things like this.”

Hongjoong thinks about the way his skin prickles for more when Seonghwa’s touch leaves him, Hongjoong thinks about the way Seonghwa’s cooking is like coming home, Hongjoong thinks about how his heart races when Seonghwa leans in too close. 

And Hongjoong thinks about the nights he spent up staring at the ceiling thinking about Seonghwa.

He knows what he feels, he’s just scared to take the leap, calculating the risks still. 

“Don’t pressure yourself too much about that, Joong,” Seonghwa turns to look back at him, a hand coming out to ruffle Hongjoong’s hair. Hongjoong burrows deeper into the blanket’s warmth.

“Thank you, Seonghwa, for being by me for so long,” Hongjoong says, and Seonghwa hums softly.

“Thank you for not pushing me away after I said that,” Seonghwa tucks a stray strand of hair behind Hongjoong’s ear, and Hongjoong shuts his eyes as he feels his heart pick up its pace at the gesture. He could feel the affection from that gesture alone, Hongjoong doesn’t think he could bear to open his eyes and see what Seonghwa’s gaze holds. 

“You’re still my friend no matter what,” Hongjoong responds, “it’s only natural to not push you away.”

Seonghwa’s hand leaves Hongjoong’s hair, and it grazes Hongjoong’s cheek. Hongjoong wants to chase after it. 

“Let’s go to bed, Joong,” Seonghwa says, and Hongjoong hears Seonghwa stand up. 

He opens his eyes to see Seonghwa extending his hand to him with a smile. 

“Can we…” Hongjoong trails off. It feels cruel to do that to Seonghwa.

Seonghwa bends his legs to reach for Hongjoong’s hand and pulls him up. 

“Of course,” Seonghwa smiles, his response short but sweet. 

Hongjoong lets Seonghwa guide him inside, he lets Seonghwa lay him down onto the bed. He hears Seonghwa turn off the lights and climb into the bed, throwing another blanket over them. A few minutes pass, with only their breathing to lull them to sleep, but Hongjoong knows he needs more. He scoots closer to Seonghwa and turns on his side, resting an arm on Seonghwa’s chest. He hears Seonghwa’s breath hitch. 

He feels the hammering under Seonghwa’s chest. 

“Is this okay?” Hongjoong asks to be sure. 

“... Yeah. More than okay.” Seonghwa affirms, and Hongjoong tucks himself closer to Seonghwa’s side. 

“Your scent is calming,” Hongjoong comments as he breathes Seonghwa’s lavender scent in, “I like it.”

The hammering does not stop. 

“I love yours too,” Seonghwa blurts out, and he starts to apologize. “W-Wait, I’m sorry, I-”

“It’s okay,” Hongjoong shushes, “it makes me feel confident that I don’t smell like shit.”

They both let out a soft chuckle at Hongjoong’s little snarky comment, but the hammering still doesn’t stop, only calming down a little. 

“Your heartbeat is so fast, Seonghwa,” Hongjoong softly says, and Seonghwa nervously chuckles. 

“Well… why wouldn’t it be?” Seonghwa replies.

“I’m sorry, Hwa,” Hongjoong frowns as he turns and tries to move away, but Seonghwa’s hand reaches out to grab his arm before he could.

“I like it,” Seonghwa says, “I like the way you make my heart race. So please don’t go, Hongjoong.”

Hongjoong doesn’t pull away. His own heart is starting to race in his chest. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Hongjoong replies, his voice soft and not above a whisper only he and Seonghwa could hear. 

“Thank you,” Seonghwa’s voice is shaky, and he seems to hesitate before retracting his hand.

Hongjoong’s skin prickles for more. 

“Hug me, Seonghwa,” Hongjoong says.

“Are you sure?”

“Hug me. Please.”

Seonghwa’s response is to shift closer and snake his arms around Hongjoong’s waist, hugging him. Not a ghost of a touch, and not too tight of an embrace so it doesn’t suffocate Hongjoong. Hongjoong sighs contentedly as he rests a hand over Seonghwa’s hands resting against his stomach, and closes his eyes. 

He is still afraid to take the leap, but maybe… just maybe… he could do it to reach Seonghwa who is waiting for him. And he takes a deep breath and calms himself, knowing Seonghwa will wait, and Seonghwa isn’t rushing him. 

“I’m grateful for you, Seonghwa,” Hongjoong whispers and Seonghwa hums.

“I’m grateful for you too, Hongjoong.”

The night is still dark outside, but Hongjoong feels warmer and a little less lost. There is a torch in the distance, beckoning him into the light, and Hongjoong knows who lit it. Hongjoong puts one foot in front of the other, again and again, no matter how heavy it is for him, because someone is waiting for him there, he could see him stand next to the torch, waiting. 

Hongjoong won’t let Seonghwa’s faith in him go to waste.

**Author's Note:**

> HA that was something I worked on trying to cope with my writer's block and feelings. Thank you for reading, and do leave some kudo's and comments <3 I'll appreciate them lots!


End file.
